I know if you have to explain a joke it isn’t funny, but the complexity of the following explanation is part of the joke.
I like to role-play, write stories for, and fancast comic book characters. For example, in the elaborate latticework that exists mostly in my head and on my laptop, but partly online and in conjunction with various cohorts, Carol Danvers (Ms. Marvel) and Peter Parker (Spider-Man) are in a happily committed relationship and portrayed by Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson:
And they have a kid, Obi-wan “Ben” Danvers Parker, played by Jackson Rathbone:
(They actually have two kids but Ben’s sister is not important to this story.) Jackson is best known for playing the most ridiculous of the ridiculous vampires in Twilight (note: I love ridiculous). But to me he is Ben first.
I have an equally elaborate head-canon for Jessica Jones, for whom I use Katie Holmes:
(Peter Parker and Jessica Jones went to high school together, remember?) Such as, before she decided to try being a superhero again, but after she was living with all of the underground (New) Avengers, in addition to being the name on the Netflix account, Jess acted as the team’s “publicist” (her word) which while underground was defined as “visiting celebrity gossip sites to make sure there aren’t any problematic sightings or stories”.
SO, when the celebrity gossip site BlindGossip started requiring a permanent log in, I chose “Jess Jones”. I don’t comment much but the other day there was a blurb about a Twilight actor wanting to come out during the press tour and someone said something about Jackson and I chimed in (as Jess Jones) to say he was my favorite no matter what.
And then Star Magazine printed it:
(1) I don’ t think I’ve physically picked up Star Magazine in 5-10 YEARS. Goofy celebrity gossip is available for free online. The woman in line ahead of me at the grocery* was having trouble with her credit card so I started flipping, found “TWILIGHT GAY BOMBSHELL”, saw Jackson’s ridiculous picture (click on the blurb above to see the full pages), read his blurb… I couldn’t even believe it at first though I was simultaneously laughing so hard it hurt.
(2) *Also I usually go through self-checkout. So this was all chaos powers.
(3) I don’t care what any of their sexual preferences or relationship statuses are. Not my business! This is meant as support, not speculation.
When life tries to take your pumpkins away, Spidey brings them back.
When my children have children I will tell them about Halloween 2011. It started snowing the afternoon of October 29. I laughed at all the people freaking out because I live in New England. It snows a lot every year. Sure it was early, but it wasn’t unheard of. Then we lost power. This was annoying but we cooked dinner on the outdoor grill and giggled about it. We went to sleep early. There was still no power Sunday morning so we decided to go out for breakfast. It was at this point that we realized this was actually a huge deal. The entire city had no power. The entire state was struggling. We had to go far afield to find a place open for breakfast and it was a 90 minute wait. Then we went to Barnes and Noble because books don’t require electricity. The store was full of no power refugees like us, many of whom had brought their laptops and were plugged in about the store. We went to the shoreline for dinner and went to bed early again.